Here

Here are my thoughts. Here are all my memories, all my fears, all my dread. Here are my mistakes. Here are the good times and the bad times. The empty hours and the fullfilling ones. The truth and the lies. The happiness and the pain. The guilt. Here it is.

Here are all my words. The ones that made an affect and the ones that passed by. The ones that fell in love and the ones that told a lie. Here are the promises. Here are the lights, the clouds and the rainy nights. Here is the summer I spent and here is the winter. Here is the snow. Here it is.

Here is the world and my dreams. Here is what I gave up and what I gained. Here is you, him, her, them, all of them and the rest. Here is my wish. Here it is.

Here it started and here it ends. Here is the love, the doubt, the act and the fall. Here is hope. Here I am.

Night

''I have moments when I forget myself'' he said. ''It's just for tonight.''
''But what if..'' I yelled. ''What if..?!''
''Trust me''
''Last night I could've never seen but now I know. Everyday I learn.''
He gave me a piece of paper. It said 'stay'.

''Stay''
The sky was cloudy, it could rain. I heard silence and waited.

''What makes me this way?''
''What makes you in love?''
''No, scared''
''Love'' he said and looked out the window. The sky was turning dark. Drops of water scattered the view but he could tell, there was more than rain. There was more than darkness. There was more. We heard loss as it came closer and noises filled the street.

''When did they come back?''
''They never left''
''But why here?''
''Someone told them it's their right''
''To destroy?''

''Lets move''
''Where? And why?''
''There's a house next to a mosque, it has a garden and a big orange tree. It's not far from here, it's only safer''
''This is home''
The lights went off as he was looking out. The fire from outside showed us all we needed to see. But then, we fell asleep, into unawareness.

''I don't want more than this'' he said to me.
''But I do'' I said and closed my eyes.

Black, White And Colorless

'Your times won't have me, neither will the miles. We share sadness, hope and this smile. Your eyes will see me but they won't feel. I want to draw you. Have you here.'

I kept the papers and the lines figured, placed in notebooks and shelves. I still try to believe, but I'm lost in this moment and in myself. I want to draw, make this world a painting. I want to grow.

I wasted ink yesterday. And the day before. I tried and got less than what I hoped for. I followed my instinct. I had nothing to say! So pointless. I want to have more and think less. Where do I go now? I turned the page and drew a line. Watched it for sometime. Unawareness. My thoughts just stood still. I wanted to express a hope or a will. I wanted to scream to the sky and color blue over a tent and a kite. I wanted to fall and break up the puzzle on the ground. I wanted to drown. Yes, drown. But I surrendered to a slightest doubt. I looked down on my pen and it was just laying there, here and now.

October Days

I want to see grandma. She's been in the hospital for three days. They told me she's alright so I'm not worried. Her heart is strong enough, I know. They said she'll be out today. I wanted to visit her yesterday but visiting hours were only at morning and I have school. My school takes most of my day.
It's a nice place, my school. It began to feel familiar, like a place I'd look back to and remember. Only now have I known that this is where I'm meant to be. This city is definitely much better than it was a month ago. Must be the weather.

I was driving the other day, going to my cousin's house. I like going there. They're like my second family. As I arrived, I parked by my cousin's place. I saw this 50 year old man, he looked physically disabled, something with his hands. All I know is, he had two children walking behind him, I'm guessing they were his kids. I was glad to see them. 

I wish I was better, don't we all? I wish I could be perfect. Not perfect, because I think it's not real or possible but I wish I could be perfect enough. I wish I didn't make mistakes. Someone means the world to me and deserves better than my imperfections.

I'm thinking to go to rainbow street today. It's a street on the way to downtown. It's calm and nice at this time. I got my new camera so I'll take pictures. I'll probably find an old man sitting on a bench next to a dry tree, or two lovers standing on the sidewalk. I might find anything. Who knows. I'll go.

Strain

Windows, roofs and buildings. From where I stood, they seemed near. They weren't there, neither was the sea.
I saw waves and drowned in my thoughts. Moving back and forth; compromising. I saw a light. It wasn't there.
It was sunset, or so I heard. I seem to turn blind with no concious. I seem to ask for brightness. Must be my own dark side. It's all me.
The air goes to no where; lost and preserving. I watch it travel and lose track. I watch it race feelings I lack. I feel warm; must be morning. It's all me.
Have I told you about my fears?

I saw thunder, sometime before I could; moonlight and rain. Insecure, I kept my sight awake; bright yet fading. My hands were no more shaking. I stared at a sky. Air must have traveled away, I became alive and breathless; overlooked my soul and settled.
I don't wonder now. No, I don't feel the pace anymore. I don't want answers. I am good.

Doubt, hope and strain. From where I stood, they seemed close. They weren't there, neither was the sea.

Hurricane

I have counted days; made myself ready
I knew that I was on my way
Hours flew by. I knew where I stood
I kept my feet still. I was ready.
But I was lost;
cold;
frozen by words and rehearsed by air.
Just like the snow. Just like this memory
Where did i stop? When did i start?
I keep this hope. I plant this wish.
I'm with you; burning down with you,
holding on.

Stay if you have no where else to go,
but go - oh please go - if you have a shelter.

I won't keep you safe,
I know only how to keep this still;
space and sound, lost in these faces, trapped with no fences.
Our pictures have been changing.
We fade by the door.
We forget.
Storm visits every moonlit night.
Take what you're left and run.
Don't hide when you can run.
Don't linger.

The whole world is waiting;
staring at the sun.

Passing Distance

Distance doesn't take more than time, and time soon goes on.

The difficult part of getting used to something you dislike is knowing it's your only choice and you can't do anything about it, but even that becomes routine. For me, it took me sometime to get over all the what ifs and if onlys. But now I know in three months and some days i'm going to stop thinking of how far. I'm going to think of only one thing. 

So I try, I build myself up. Prepare. I believe you never know you're strong enough until you're patient enough, and i never knew my strength until lately. I know now that I can.

Everyone needs to be apart for sometime to realize the need for one another other. Distance is not only a nightmare, it can also be a daydream. 

First Goodbye

He held on to you. One night, when all he had was a hope and a sacrifice. When everything seemed to not fit into shape, when he was lost, he held on to you. You knew what to say. He said it straight. Love was all he could follow. All he can relate to.

When in these nights the lights go off, does he see anything but you? He held on to you like a wave. You drift him and turn him down. You keep his balance. You break and fix and prepare.

You were far, but you were here. He saw you in words. He planned stories for another day. You were far - everyday made it worse - but you were here, he kept telling himself; you gave him all he never had, you completed him, does it matter how far? Or until when? You were here.
He thought of the time to come. He wrote you thoughts and worries. You said change won't take this away.

It was hard - it's still hard - not being with you. His hands have dried from the wind. Your arms they wrap him once in a while but all he feels is loss. You're leaving. Soon enough to want to let him go. Does it hurt? He had seen pain and agony. He had witnessed defeat and triumph. Will it hurt to let you go?

'I'll be fine' he thought. He packed his suitcase, headed back and forth, decided to wait, stood up again then moved on.

Losing Home

They've wandered and prepared. They've looked ahead and waited. This city has grown empty and silent. They called it by its name. They knew it by its air. A home, it was crowded and filled once, it was home.
Months passed. Years followed. Seasons went and brought tears and loss. They kept hoping. It became a habit.

People said it'll pass. But they never really knew. They lied. The darkness that painted this street have turned into fog. The miles we used to travel are now separated and taken. Smoke and ashes and fire; it's not the same. Nothing is like it used to be.

I hear our house has gone to memory. It cuddled the air and lost pieces. We had a tree. We had a garden, a parking lot and a balcony. My grandpa _ a soldier and a father for ten children _ planted our garden. It took him years to watch our olive tree grow. He gave my uncles turns. Everyday one of them would water it, cut the dry leaves and collect olives.

Life was that simple some time ago. Before this became all we know.

Grandmother still remembers everything about the day they had to leave. She says you never know you're losing all you have until you leave home. She remembers the people, the streets they walked. They were told they'll be leaving for sometime. They left it all. Holding on to a key.

It was temporary. Still is?

I'm dried up with memories. Planting flowers according to season. I water them, cut the dry leaves and collect them. I keep them with me. I keep them to remind me that someday this will pass. Someday, I'll be back.

Open Doors

I know her, she's the one with the pain stealing her face
I see her whenever i rome around this place
She walks down here every cold night
Picking up the pieces she leaves

Her heart leads her where to go
Shows her everything she needs to know
They said she's blind, but sunrise brings pictures to her eyes
Reflects on every corner she radiats

As the spaces expand to make her home
She stays still, stumbling on her own
Realizing more meanings, defining emptiness

They said she's been here for years
Every night, waiting for something
She knows how it feels to be lost
Holding on gives her something worth defending

This place that she keeps alive
Gives her something to live for
The faces she once saw fade
Re-unite as the wind opens up our doors